Disclaimer: This guide contains my own personal opinions. I am not claiming my opinions to be fact, nor backing my opinions with statistics. Hope you enjoy.
I like to make analogies. They are a simple way to make connections and make a seemingly difficult concept easy to understand. I also like food. I also like the Orlando Magic. While the Magic are currently one of the worst teams in the NBA destined for a top draft selection, I thought it might be fun to make a humorous and light-hearted analogy with the current roster. The question I asked myself, What would the current Magic roster look like as food items? Here is my take:
Jameer Nelson is... Cold Pizza
Good ol' Jameer. He is the longest tenured Magic Man, just like cold pizza might just be the longest tenured ready-to-eat item in your refrigerator. For the present, Jameer is a acceptable player, just like cold pizza is a totally acceptable meal. In the end, that pizza is going to become inedible very soon. It may be best to stock up the kitchen before that happens.
Victor Oladipo is... Raw Chicken
Just like no Magic fan knows what to make of Vic, no one really knows what to do with a piece of raw chicken. I think everyone can agree that a piece of raw chicken is currently unfit to eat, but that piece of chicken has the potential to be anything. With the proper seasoning and preparation, that piece of raw chicken could become a delicious, mouth-watering meal. If that takes too much time, however, you could always fry it up and have a satisfactory meal. Unfortunately you might have to throw out the chicken if it spoils.
Nik Vucevic is... a Potato
Nik is a good player, just like a potato is a good side dish for a good meal. Every meal needs good side dishes to make it a truly memorable meal, but the potato is not the entrée.
Arron Afflalo is... a Box of Cereal
Afflalo is the Magic's most consistent player, cereal is breakfast's most consistent food. Yes there are better breakfast items out there, but cereal is cheap and always satisfying. At the end of the day, cereal will provide you with a complete meal.
Mo Harkless is... a Jar of Pickles
It is a rare occasion when Mo contributes to a game, just like it is a rare occasion when pickles contribute to a meal. When that pickle adds to a meal, it's pretty good, but most of the time, pickles will just sit in the refrigerator.
Kyle O'Quinn is... a Granola Bar
KOQ probably will never become a main entrée, but for providing a boost of energy in the middle of the day, there is no better food item. Granola Bars are a pretty damn good snack, just lie Kyle is a pretty damn good role player.
You don't know why you bought these veggies. You might be able to use them in the future, you might have to throw them out. They might turn into a good side dish, but it will take lots of seasoning and preparation for that to happen. At the end of the day, you will probably just store them in your hydrator until they spoil.
Jason Maxiel and Ronnie Price are... Stale Potato Chips
Are they edible? Yes. Are they good? No. Should they be thrown out? Probably.
Tobias Harris is... a Lemon
Because I can't live in a world where Tobias is not a Lemon.
Stay hungry my friends.