He also doesn’t work hard in the gym because he’s a lazy bum. He was gifted the greatest body in the NBA by sitting around and whining and not caring about anything but his stats. Also, Dwight clearly doesn’t buy into his coach’s philosophy on defense or offense. He only ever looks for his own shot. What a selfish basketball player who doesn’t care about team or the coach’s scheme. Why doesn’t he just demand the ball? I mean, I saw him raise his hand on a screen and roll and yell “HEY GIVE ME THE BALL SO I CAN STUFF IT IN THIS GUY’S FACE!” but the ball handler just took a jump shot. But that’s because his leadership is bad. He didn’t yell it loud enough. Or maybe the ball handler just thought he had a shot.

One time I was in the Bulls bathroom after a loss and I saw Rose stick his hand in his mouth and vomit into a sink. That’s because he cares so much about winning it makes him sick inside like a virus and he has to immediately purge it from his soul. I wish Dwight had this insatiable desire to win at all costs like some Enron exec or Charlie Sheen. Come next election, I will write in D-Rose for president if he isn’t already on the ballot. Only his infallible leadership can lead us to the promised land and towards a utopia that will live for generations to come.

(End snarkiest post ever. We now rejoin our regularly scheduled posts of reasoned discourse.)