Shaquille O'Neal is ready for title No. 5

Sam Alipour at ESPN interviews the Big Crab about his new team and his "competitors" (that he doesn't see as competitors). Some notable quotes I pulled:

Something else LeBron got an odd amount of heat for: What are your thoughts on his decision to skip out on the post-elimination handshake with the Magic?

That was stupid, too. I walk off the court without shaking hands all the time. All the time. Ain't no rule saying you gotta shake nobody's hands. If I don't like you, I'm not touching you. I don't give a s--- what nobody says. I don't want to jinx us, but if we do everything right, we won't be faced with that decision [shaking hands after being eliminated]. But hey, if we are, don't expect me to shake your hand.

Class act. MOAR:

They're calling you LeBron's bodyguard. They're saying you were brought there to counter Dwight Howard.

We're not even worried about Dwight Howard.

Not even a little bit?

Look, his team did a great job of surrounding him with four shooters. If you have one big man with four shooters, like I always had with the Lakers and Heat, it's over. Those shooters, [Mickael] Pietrus, [Hedo] Turkoglu, they hit some big shots.

It's not that Orlando was better. It's just that Cleveland was one piece away. And they have that piece now. So, they're calling me LeBron's bodyguard? That's cool. Call me the Big Witness Protection.

And my favorite delusion quote of the night! (Morning, whatever...):

There are some concerns that you'll slow the Cavs down.

I can play slow or fast.

You really think you can play fast?

Of course I can play fast. I've always played fast. But I didn't start winning championships until we slowed down. Wanna talk about the history of the game? In the last 10 years, show me a fast team that's won. I've been on four champions. None of them were fast.

LOL. Oh Shaq. You suck.